THE PHILANDERING FOUNDING FATHERS

Originally written for SCREW MAGAZINE at the end of the Clinton administration, I offer this gem in honor of Presidents Day. There isn't any "page six" style stuff in here but still...worth reading (hopefully).

So you thought you were the biggest pervert on the planet! Nobody could possibly eclipse your level of depravity. Guess again, fellas! In honor of Presidents Day, we bring you the cold hard facts about the rocket scientists/skirt chasers/drunken debauchers who designed this very republic: Thomas Jefferson was pounding an underage slave...Benjamin Franklin was the biggest horn dog in France, and despite having the biggest joint in The Continental Congress, George Washington never bedded the love of his life. Read on for the details on these outrageous but true historical tidbits!

Eleven score and and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this earth a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that the very men who founded the concept of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness bestowed upon themselves certain inalienable rights not the least of which was to eat, drink and be merry with as many women as humanly possible enroute to accomplishing their mission.

For those naive souls who believed all the bull shit they learned in grammar school about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and never telling a lie, history has some startling news: Drinking, debauching, and womanizing was certainly not the exclusive province of the Kennedy and Clinton presidencies. In fact, the entire syndrome began with the philandering founding fathers themselves, a pack of intellectuals for sure...but at the same time some pretty wild drinkers and misogynists in their own rite.

George Washington, that grim-looking curmudgeon pictured on the dollar bill was in actuality, a skirt-chaser for his entire life. His wife, Martha, was a roly poly rich woman whom he married simply because of her wealthy standing and level head. While George was a very devoted stepfather to her children, he flirted with several women right in front of her face at the frequent tea parties she threw for her aristocratic friends, and seduced women whenever he travelled away from home. Before and throughout his marriage, Washington was hopelessly in love with Sally Fairfax, a woman who never reciprocated but continued to be his pen pal until the day he died. In fact, it was the constant gnawing and heartache he experienced because of his feelings for Sally that prompted him to marry with his head instead of his heart.

But society women weren’t the only social caste to which Washington was attracted. Although The President was a strict taskmaster who had disobedient slaves flogged routinely, he like many other colonial slave owners, paid numerous visits to the slave quarters to have a roll with the prettiest of his chattel. In fact, the first president was rumored to have died from a chill he caught one night making love to a slave in her cold quarters...and not from a midnight ride he took on his steed...the story the press told the American public.

Did war curtail Washington’s activities? Apparently not. While a colonel during the French And Indian War, Washington lost his virginity to a sixteen-year-old Indian squaw. And it seems that a congressman acted as his procurer dispatching pretty ladies to Valley Forge for The Commander In Chief’s diversion during The Revolutionary War as well.

History doesn’t seem to give us too much indication as to which of the founding fathers was the studdliest but we do know that Washington had the largest hands and feet in the Continental Congress. Two young girls were even arrested for robbing Washington’s clothing as he bathed in the Potomac River but neither apparently went on the record as to what they saw when the future president emerged naked from the river. Regardless, the life of the father of our nation ended with a note of pathos as history demonstrates unequivocally that despite his many sexual conquests, Washington settled for a plump woman as his life mate while never truly consummating his passions with his lifelong love, Sally Fairfax.

But Thomas Jefferson, reputed to be the most intellectually gifted of the founding fathers, did have a lifelong affair with a woman named Sally...Sally Hemings that is...one of his slaves. Jefferson like all of the Southern aristocrats was a slave owner. Unlike some of his peers, Jefferson fully understood his hypocrisy while penning the constitution. How could he say that all men were created equal when he had slaves? It seems that the third prez lived his entire life in debt and setting his slaves free would have caused instant bankruptcy. He had no choice but to keep his servants.

Of course, having sex and siring children with his servant proved to be more than a little awkward. Although he was a widower at the time, Jefferson had promised his wife on her death bed that he would never marry again...a promise he kept. But apparently, that didn’t mean he couldn’t have more children.

Although she was his slave, Sally Hemings was only 1/4 black, and not surprisingly very light-skinned. The couple had four children under the condition (set by Sally) that their progeny be set free. Jefferson had no problem with that...nor did society. The children were only 1/8th black and assimilated as white with little trouble. 

And Sally’s light-skinned mulatto blood lines were not unusual even in the late 18th century. Slave owners all over the South had been procreating with their property thus reproducing a plethora of servants who barely looked black. 

Benjamin Franklin, one of America’s most brilliant and noteworthy founding fathers was quite a ladies man himself and not averse to paying for a lady’s favors throughout his manhood. But it wasn’t until he voyaged to France that ol' Ben really hit his stride. During the early days of The Republic, several dignitaries including John Adams and Franklin were appointed as ambassadors or ministers to France, a country steeped in sin and debauchery.

French women were not only educated, capable and attractive, but  were also the most empowered and wild and free in Europe. Just before The French Revolution, the country’s royalty basked in their riches and had no qualms about enjoying themselves in the sexual realm. Mate swapping and drunken revelry was the norm and not the exception across the ocean, and appointments to go overseas were viewed as golden opportunities for American politicians to spread their wings. And Benjamin Franklin was the most notorious lover of ladies The States had to offer the French. He was charming, very intelligent and even more accomplished by the time he arrived. And wherever he went or was invited, ladies fawned on him. He was the true rock star of his day!

Dolly, the wife of James Madison, was said to be one of the most stunning women in all of Washington. Every man who ever met her was completely swept away by her bountiful beauty and exceptionally charming and coquettish ways. History is not certain about her occupation before marrying Madison but there seems to be a significant possibility that she was in fact, the most beautiful and popular "companion" servicing the political set.  Shrewd enough to set her sights on #1...just the way any intelligent present day escort would...Dolly scored the grand prize, captivating the entire country during her “reign” as First Lady.

The only of the first four presidents who didn’t seem to step out of line was John Adams. Adams was a short, boring, butterball of a man who married an ugly but capable woman and stayed with her for most of his life. He simply wasn’t attractive enough to be a philandering founding father like his peers. But fyi...John loved his rum, for whatever that's worth.

In the American educational system, all students of history are told  we study the subject because history inevitably repeats itself and that we may avoid future pratfalls by studying those that occurred in the past. Clearly, history DOES repeat itself and Presidents Clinton and Kennedy weren’t very good history students. That or they simply did not care when it came to matters of the crotch. For let us not forget...however noble humans feel we’ve become, we are simply just the most advanced animal on the planet, placed here to reproduce and procreate the species. And that drive, whether it’s the 18th century or 2013...or you’re a garbage man or a president...and the inability to control it...will never die.