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Saturday, February 1, 2014

WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE?


So I received my copy of EXPOSE MAGAZINE #4 in the mail today. EXPOSE, in case you don't remember, is a half-assed attempt at recreating the old SCREW. And to be fair, it ain't half bad given the horrific budget within which Kevin (the layout guy) has to work. He was Goldstein's pagination dude for like 25 years. So if nothing else, he knows how to produce a satirical porn rag.

Well anyway...I rarely have any idea about what's going to be in the paper. Kevin doesn't tell me what's the first feature or who it was written by. And even though I'm one of the featured writers, I don't always know which blog post he's going to pull from this site for the next issue.

Whatever...it turns out that the cover story is about the world's foremost legal pimp...and star of his own HBO reality show, DENNIS HOF! Snore! I've written about Dennis on this blog before and know his story all too well. He's a cheap trick - or so I thought (actually, he is)! Turning to the back cover to check out who is buying ads in the rag, I see a full page ad pitching Dennis's Bunny Ranch girls...and come to realize somebody got the sonofabitch to actually buy an ad somewhere! 

Now this is a monumental accomplishment! Carl from Backpage called Dennis "a fucking tire kicker" after Mr. Hof wasted his time pretending he wanted to purchase an ad on Carl's site. I myself pitched Dennis to advertise here to no avail as well. And as it turns out, my buddy Chip (who wrote the feature), was the guy who finally dreamed up a marketing scam to open the big guy's wallet. Will wonders never cease? I can't believe it.

And get this. After writing my review of the published cabby EUGENE SALOMON, I fired off an e-mail to the address on his blog and guess what! He answered me within an hour, commenting on my review and assuring me that from the looks of my sidebar, I was making a lot more "cabbage" than he had on his book. Go figure. Will wonders never cease again?

I apologize to Eugene for implying that his book was of a salacious nature. In fact, he attributes his success at attracting a big time Publisher to his work not being a nasty noir effort. Who'd a thunk? A cab book without the cabby getting blown by a tranny at 3 AM? Will wonders never cease? I got the idea he's just not that kind of guy. 

Regardless, he wants me to read his paperback and tell him what I think...but he didn't offer to send me one. Right there is where the "will wonders never cease" observations end - and appropriately, so does today's entry.


5 comments:

  1. As I recall, you mentioned in a previous blog that you're not too fond of Robyn Byrd. I remember her cheap call-in show on Time Warner all those years ago. Other than peddling poor quality asian outcalls, what exactly do you dislike about her so much? Just curious….

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    1. Here's the post from over 4 years ago detailing why Robyn Byrd is a cunt:

      DEAR ROBYN BYRD (It’s a Dirty Business)

      Ya know...there are more than a few scum belles in the adult ad biz some guys think is such a bed of roses. Case in point: I have a client named Jade Escorts, a late night outfit which spends a lot of money on Channel 35. When you only do outcall (as does Jade), and you only work at night (as does Jade), and you only dispatch girls to Manhattan locations below 96th St, (as does Jade), and you only run fake bait-and-switch photos (as does Jade), your advertising options - and potential for making money - is severely limited.

      And given that television doesn’t work that well to begin with...there’s always a nightmare on the horizon. About four months ago, I negotiated a sweet deal on behalf of Jade for advertising on a hunk of time controlled by Robyn Byrd. Robyn’s better half and I are good friends and given the relationship, I diverted money that was about to go to another of the three people who lease all that late-night time, and gave it to Byrd with the proviso that Jade get extra spots to help make the advertising send more revenue their way.

      The whole deal wasn’t that great for me as my commission is pretty low given that Jade got a lower price than the rest of their competition In addition to extra spots. This went along fine until last Sunday night when I got a call from Jade claiming that their ad wasn’t running. And as you know, I get these calls frequently and mostly, it’s all bull shit. The ads ARE running but the place isn’t making as much money as they’d like.

      So we go to the tivo and the tape to discover that of course, the ads ARE running...but those extra spots they were supposed to be getting...had mysteriously vanished. And what that means is Shelly (Robyn’s partner) promised the extra spots but Byrd (who puts the show together while Shelly often isn’t looking) eased back on the freebe’s over time and when we checked, Jade was simply getting the normal allotment for their discounted price as opposed to getting MORE for their discounted price. (I’m getting nauseous already.)

      In the meantime, one of the phone girls at Jade decided it was time to effect a change. And that change came in the form of “going direct” (thus eliminating the middleman who just happens to be named Dollar Bill) from the equation to save a few bucks. They have conveniently forgotten that their price is lower than everybody else’s via my relationship and negotiation with Shelly. And Byrd has conveniently forgotten that without me redirecting Ben’s money to her three or four months ago, they would have been gone anyway and not available to be taken directly.

      Once upon a time, I got the Jade account when they hired an excellent manager who wanted me to handle their ads. But that excellent manager quit Jade a few weeks later in frustration. But I remained. So you could say I was on borrowed time anyway.

      And so fellas...I got stung by a wasp this week and once again, I didn’t do one fucking thing wrong. I got the client a discount price....I diverted money from Ben and gave it to Byrd...and both benfeciaries eventually fucked me. I’d like to tell you that this comes as a result of the seedy business in which I operate - but I’d be lieing. I remember many moons ago when I was working at a jingle house (music)... and the nuclear war that broke out when one of the employees quit, opened his OWN place, and ran off with the Sony account. Same dirty bull shit....just a different business which clearly operates in a parallel universe.

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  2. All business is filthy and corrupt with a huge side order of ignorant. Once you step inside no good deed goes unpunished.
    Be it JP Morgan or an old soft-porn-pushing hoser like Robyn Bird. Don't make sweetheart deals with scumbags who will never honor them, and they're all scumbags.

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  3. bill, aren't you being less than gracious now? Give the old man a break. He finally has a published book. And he probably has never had much money. You're way more clever as a businessman. And he's paying you a compliment.

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  4. I think I'm being more than gracious, actually. I doubt that Eugene is upset with me. He got free publicity. Not that I care but if I were in his shoes, I'd have volunteered a book immediately.

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